Eight Words
by Karmagirl880618
Summary: My take on what would have made Prentiss leaving a little more bearable. Reid can feel himself start to spiral all because of eight words...One-shot!


Eight words, that's all it took. Eight words made his world come crumbling down around his ears. He knew plenty of words, maybe even millions, but there were none he could think of. All he could hear was the pounding in his head, probably the sound of his blood pumping through his veins. He could rationalize just about anything to the point that it made perfect sense but that ability disappeared after he heard eight words.

_She didn't even make it off the table._

_How could she be gone? Why didn't she trust me? Why didn't she love me? _His mind was betraying him now. Now wasn't the time to think like that. It wasn't fair to her. She was his friend, his confidant. She knew things about him that no one else even tried to notice. When no one else would acknowledge his problem she did.

_I didn't even get to say goodbye…_

It was amazing how quickly one's body can turn on them. One moment he was breathing evenly the next his air supply was cut off. His eyes burned and blurred with tears and his heart raced. The walls were closing in on him. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't make it again. He'd fought so hard every time someone walked away or was torn away but he honestly had no desire to keep fighting. He tried to take a breath but it wouldn't come. The air wouldn't fill his lungs, his chest wouldn't fill. He needed to move or scream, or punch a wall. Something. Anything. He got up and JJ stopped him. She was there in front of him but he knew it was only a matter of time before she was gone again. Her arms went around him and he hugged her back but he still couldn't breathe. There wasn't enough air.

_Why did you leave me, Emily?_

She had to know that he needed her. She had to. There was no way she couldn't see how broken he was. The years were tearing away all the soft edges he had left. Soon there was going to be nothing left but a brain. Every time someone else walked away the ice around his heart got thicker and colder.

"I need to see her." he commanded. It wasn't a comment or a statement. It was a command, assertive and hard.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Spence." JJ said softly. He knew that tone; it was the tone she used when talking down a victim's family. He snorted inwardly. _Duh, jack ass, that's exactly what she's doing. _That thought made him irrationally angry.

"I don't care. I need to see her."

"She wouldn't want you to see her that way and you know it." That was probably true, but then again he wasn't sure he cared. That was a lie, he cared. He cared very much. She was handling him. He didn't want to be handled. He wanted to see Emily. He stepped back and looked down at JJ. Something in his eyes must have frightened her because she visibly flinched. He looked down at her hands where they were still holding him and she pulled away slowly. He looked back at the rest of team. Ashley was leaning on Rossi for support staring at the wall. Rossi looked angry, he probably wanted to hit something, Morgan had the same look but his heartbreak was evident on his face. There was guilt there too. Hotch was cracking, Reid could tell. And Garcia…his heart clenched so hard it hurt. His hand flew to his chest as he tried to breathe through it. He knew he should stay, the team needed each other more than ever, but he needed to get out. He needed air.

The plane ride home was silent. No one was sleeping or reading. It was just silent. Nobody had anything to say. There was nothing that could bring her back.

_She didn't even make it off the table…_

Those words haunted him. Suddenly the plane that always seemed huge felt way to small and intimate. He was staring at the chair across from him. That's where she would sit normally. She would play card with him or chess. She never got angry when she lost or when she knew he was letting her win. She'd just smile at him or break into a wide grin. He'd miss that grin. He missed it already. He missed her constant teasing.

_He's so lifelike! Naughty boy._

It never ceased to amaze him how he could remember someone's voice to the point that it sounded like they were right next to him. The silence didn't end when the flight did. It followed them into the bull pen and hung around as they waved their goodbyes. He knew he should go home and rest or something else that sounded equally uninviting. He felt cold, it seeped into his skin and wrapped around his bones, that cold. His mind couldn't reconcile with the idea of never seeing her again. No more jokes between friends, no more chess games in his apartment, no more sci-fi movies they only saw together since no one else wanted to go.

He drove to a neighborhood he hadn't been to in a very long time. His skin prickled with excitement simply because he knew what was there. She would hit him if she knew where he was. But she was gone. He saw a familiar face and the face didn't speak. He didn't ask stupid questions like _what are you doing here _or_ are you ok. _He just handed him what he knew he wanted and took the money.

Reid wasn't sure how he got home after that. His mind was wondering off to places he really didn't want to go. The glass bottles in his pocked made noise as he climbed up the steps. He foolishly looked around to see if anyone heard it. _No one cares_, one of his nastier internal voices whispered harshly. _She cared about you, that didn't save her._ Some part of his brain told him that it wasn't his fault. It was small and it was drowned out by all the other mocking hostile parts. _Some genius you are, you couldn't save her._

An hour later he was sitting in his living room having shed most of his clothes. He was just staring at them. He knew they could make the pain go away. He knew that he would be able to sleep, something he hadn't done since she'd gone missing. He knew all of this but he just stared at the glass vials full of clear liquid. The cold was still there, lingering on his body like cobwebs.

_She didn't even make it off the table…_

The vials themselves mocked him. _You can have us for this low one time price, all it will cost you is your life and your sanity. _Reid stared at them. They used to be his exit, dilaudid; it used to help him escape. Then, out of nowhere, she was there. She challenged him, called him out when everyone else ignored him. She knew about his headaches, she knew about the tattoo he got when he was clean for a year.

_She didn't even make it off the table...__  
_  
He was angry, but he couldn't do anything. He wasn't sure what he would do if he could do something. He couldn't bring her back. She was gone. Emily Prentiss was dead. There wasn't anything he could do. He'd thought about it for hours, stared at maps and files until his eyes crossed. The bad feeling he'd had followed him to the hospital telling him it wasn't going to end well. It slid along his skin while he waited for her to get off the surgery. There was a nagging feeling that he missed something. Something vital that could have changed everything. He wasn't sure what it was but he'd never found it. IQ of 187, 20,000 words a minute, eidetic memory, none of that helped him save the woman he loved. The rage and anger built up under his skin and in his mind. He snatched the bottles off the table and threw them against the wall. They shattered into a million pieces.

_She didn't even make it off the table...__  
_  
There was glass and his release was gone. His exit was spilled all over the floor. Part of his mind told him that Em would be upset and disappointed if he slipped. She would never forgive him. The more rational part of his mind told him that that didn't matter anymore. She couldn't give a shit about anything anymore. He climbed to his feet and stood over the mess he'd made. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he should clean it up. Instead he turned to go to his room when something white caught his eye. He turned back toward the door and found an envelope lying on the floor. He picked it up and sighed. His name was scrawled across the front and it was in Emily's handwriting. It wasn't the first time he got one of those letters. He tore into it without thinking too much.

_Dear Spencer, _

_I remember when Gideon left and he wrote you a letter to explain. I guess you could say that I'm pulling one of his tricks. _

_I want you to know how much you mean to me and how hard I know my leaving will be on you. It's easy for everyone to think of you as a human brain but they fail to realize you feel everything for everybody. I'm so sorry, Spencer. I need you to know how much our friendship has helped me. There were times when I was close to falling apart and there you were; my night in blood-caked sweater vests. You are stronger than I will ever be. _

_I feel like a coward and a fake for telling you what I'm about tell you and then running away. But you need to know. I have never loved any one the way I love you. You, Spencer Reid, are my soul mate, and don't you ever forget it. I hope one day you can forgive me for what I have to do. I can't stand the thought of someone hurting you or the rest of our family to get back at me. This is my fight and it's time I start fighting my own demons. I wish we could have had more time together and I wish we could have figured this thing out. _

_Unfortunately, my time has run out and I have to leave you. I know how tired you are of people telling you they love you and they care about you and then running in the opposite direction. I hope one day I can come back to you but I know what I'm going into. This could very well be the last thing I do so I'm going to make sure I save you and everyone else we love. I want you to find a nice girl and fall in love. I want you to have those baby geniuses we talked about. I want you to lose control every now and then, it's not healthy to bottle things up the way you do. Have sex with at least one hooker, yell when someone pisses you off, use the word fuck or cock in a sentence because it's hilarious when you do. I just want you to live._

_I know you're pretty pissed right now but one day I hope you understand. When given the choice of loving you close and losing you or loving you from a distance and you survive; I chose what was best for you. While I want you to forgive me I'm not strong enough to ask you to forget me. _

_Love always,_

_Emily._

He read the letter over and over as tears slid down his cheeks. She loved him. The most beautiful woman he'd ever met had loved him._ I have never loved any one the way I love you. _

_She didn't even make it off the table…_

Eight words tore his world apart but 447 made it real.


End file.
